Boo you whore.

Sunday, October 31, 2010 2:15 PM Posted by Erica , 0 comments

I failed on Halloween. 

I have been told I should not beat myself up over it, but I had a horrible lapse in judgment. I allowed a situation to get out of control and I feel the need to punish myself for it. Punish may not be the right word, but I need to take action to correct the situation. 

I guess what makes it a bit different from the past times is that I recognize it as an issue. But I still failed to recognize it *in the moment* and that is what I am disappointed in.  It's understandable to not be able to recognize something when you are under the influence of a substance but I feel like it's inexcusable for me. 

I slept and didn't dream. I threw up in an umbrella. I threw up in a motherfucking umbrella....

Booo

Tuesday, October 26, 2010 8:21 PM Posted by Erica , 2 comments

It's awesome to know my mother would rather party down with a bunch of senior citizen-widows than celebrate my birthday with me.

92 days sober.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010 10:09 AM Posted by Erica , 0 comments

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Being pulled in many different directions is no fun.







My theme for the past couple of weeks has been confusion. I feel like I have a myraid of things I need to make decisions about, but on the other hand I feel like I should also let them be. Coming to the conclusion of what is NORMAL for me is far off I believe. Letting the definitions of others influence that too heavily is my main issue right now.






I definitely find myself standing at a crossroads where either option is a good one to take. Taking responsibility for choosing the path is my problem. It is just so much easier to let someone make the decision for me. Or to at least narrow my options. That is my usual course of action.... "Give me two options and I'll pick one".






Maybe I am just a flighty person? Accepting black and white is not me. Everything is grey.






I am about to embark on a little weekend adventure to Portland for my birthday. Originally this was to be Vancouver, Canada but plans have changed. Changing these plans has put me in a difficult place. I am stuck between a terrific friend and my significant other. I am choosing the S.O. because it feels right to me. I want to spend time with him to at least be able to tell myself I gave it a chance. How can I complain about us if I don't try new things out? And basically because what I say goes, it was an easy trip to plan. We are taking the train south, and then staying in the City of Roses. I am hoping to see some neat things and really enjoy being out of my normal element. I expect to take lots of photos, but am disappointed that I am not a better photographer. I really do suck.






Birthday dinner is definitely a stop for us, as is the Rose Garden... but everything else is a bit up in the air.






At home I am trying to do a bit of nesting. I have been clearing out much old rubbish I have been holding onto. Brian and I have also received some nice "new" pieces of furniture which is making our apartment feel much more like home. Is it the weather making me do this? I know this year I am determined to put up my Christmas tree and host Thanksgiving. What is this new domesticity that is hitting me all the sudden? Maybe I am grasping at straws and trying to create something I don't even really want. Again, I am confused and unsure of myself.

Over the Hills and Far Away

Thursday, October 7, 2010 2:29 PM Posted by Erica , 0 comments

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Hey, lady, you got the love I need,
Maybe more than enough.
Oh, Darlin', Darlin', Darlin', walk a while with me,
Oh, you got so much, so much, so much.


Many have I loved, and many times been bitten,
many times I've gazed along the open road.

Many times I've lied and many times I've listened,
many times I've wondered how much there is to know.
Many dreams come true and some have silver linings
I live for my dream and a pocketful of gold.
Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missin',
many many men can't see the open road.
Many is a word that only leaves you guessin',
Guessin' 'bout a thing you really ought to know.
You really ought to know.
I really ought to know.

77 days

Wednesday, October 6, 2010 12:57 PM Posted by Erica , 0 comments

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So my newfound calm is being violently disrupted. Ok. I lie. Not VIOLENTLY. I just feel a bit overwhelmed about the things I have planned coming up.

I am behind in bills. There. I admitted it finally. I haven't paid my utilities and my balance is $198.00. I have a phone bill and a dentist bill as well that total about $400. I have been spending-spending-spending without much regard to my budget. I sat down yesterday and reviewed my trusty Mint.com account to check my handy pie charts and graphs only to realize I'm spending much more than I am bringing in and not saving a DIME. Boo hoo, I know. I need to nip this little problem in the bud and get it under control. I am going to have to get strict with my spending and really write down all of my transactions to avoid nearly overdrawing my account again.

The reason why this is an issue? I have a TON of stuff planned lately. I have/had a wodnerful trip to Vancouver planned and now I fear I may have to cancel it. Hotels, hockey, trasnsportation and sustinence adds up quite quickly. And then there is Halloween which involves mucho costume-planning and constructing. That I may have to skip as well. If I do go out, it will be in an easy costume. Maybe I will be a bowl of spaghetti. Or maybe a white-sheet ghost....

All of this makes me feel a bit like a failure. I can get one part of my life together only to let another part of it slip dangerously low. I feel content, for once in my life. I am running from nothing and having a much easier time dealing with the things that stress me out. I should be feeling proud of myself for at least recognizing when I'm in trouble instead of ignoring it, but I'm having a bit of a kicking-myself moment. I finally feel like a normal person. And that is vague, for who defines what is normal? But *I* know what I mean. I feel like everyone else instead of a nonfunctioning tard. I just hate that I've gotten myself into this mess without much of a way to dig myself out. It will take careful planning and frugal living... all of which I hate sometimes :)

Saturday, October 2, 2010 2:59 PM Posted by Erica , 1 comments



How is it October 2nd?!? Only 22 days until my birthday! And a golden one it will be at that.
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